Desires
by Ms. New York
Summary: "We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us."
1. True Love Never Dies

**Desires**

_A/N: Hello world! I'm back, but not a full story. I have too much on my plate to deal with a full story now, but instead this little drabbles. Not by episodes, (Like B.A. Tyler's excellent stories of the "Glimpses" series) but by characters, there could be a hint of episodes. I got inspired from reading one drabble story by TakenHawkeye, which is excellent, I suggest you check it out. These are short, sweet and to the point. I can think easily with this and know that I don't have to focus on a story line. Please tell me what you think. _

**True Love Never Dies**

He loved and lost.

Not by choice however, but by fate. There was a disease with no cure that comes like a weed.

She died in his arms.

He told his son that there will be the same type of woman for him one day; that one person who he cannot live without.

Although memories fade, he still remembers some of her; her smell and her sweet tender lips on him. It was like the sea: soothing and peaceful.

Time goes by slowly for the man, as he is trapped in memories.

His love is strong, and hopes the same will come for his son, the Mohican.


	2. Dance With The Devil

**Dance with the Devil**

Temptation can kill or it can make you stronger.

So many times, she would have liked to do the things that she stands against, to see and judge for herself.

The devil watches intently.

But she refuses. Because she knows that it will break her.

But that doesn't stop the temptation from coming. The urges come time after time but she stays strong, breathes God's great creation and holds her head up high, fighting the battle.

And winning… barely, but winning.

There is also that little voice in her head that says: come now, it won't hurt you.

To be strong, is the only thing she has left before she breaks completely.


	3. Seduce

**Seduce**

There she dances.

She seduces you to her world without any strings attached. You can take it or leave it.

She wraps you around her scarf, wanting you alone to follow her. She can promise you an escape from all this and you can be here for eternity. Don't worry about the war, the blood, the death. _Come with me._ She chants over and over again, her voice a bell to you.

You think it over-not for long, but you do. A good proposition. That's all that you need.

She twirls around you, her delicate fingers touching your face. She longs for you.

You agree, but once you go with her, she's gone. Disappeared through your fingers.


	4. A Family Trait

**A Family Trait**

She broke down too.

She didn't see a baby die before her eyes, but it might as well be.

When she felt the pain the first time, she thought nothing of it and moved on.

The second time, she sensed something wrong but thought nothing of it once again because she was doing everything right.

The third time when she was screaming in pain dripping in blood, and was driven to the hospital,.

This time, there was something wrong.

It was in the doctor's sympathetic voice and downcast eyes that she knew.

"I'm so sorry…."

That was all she had to hear before she broke down and withdrew from the world.

So it was no surprise to Daniel when he got a call stating that his son was in a similar state. That day with his late wife reflected back, and he knew...

A family trait.


	5. My Soul to Take

**My Soul to Take **

_Now I lay me down to sleep,_

_I pray the Lord my soul to keep; _

_If I die before I wake, _

_I pray for God my soul to take. _

As a joke, he prays this at night. He knows that it would never happen to him. He has a mission in this camp as an act of God. To serve his one and only Lord and Savior.

No one said it would be easy, but someone dedicated and strong had to take on the job. You need strength, mentally and physically. But he can take it. He couldn't ask for any more support. The people here may not go to his sermons, but they sure do take his work seriously as anyone else. It's good to be part of a gang like that who accept you.

He thanks the Lord each day for the tasks that he is given for he knows that he will be gladly rewarded in the kingdom of Heaven once he is through.

He tucks himself in but not before saying that simple prayer once more.

_Now I lay be down to sleep, _

_I pray the Lord my soul to keep; _

_If I die before I wake, _

_I pray for God my soul to take. _


	6. Going, Going, Gone

**Going, Going... Gone**

I left you.

I left you because work came first in your eyes; you were in love with the beauty of a scalpel in your hand and the sweet smell of a operating room. You had commitment to people you didn't even know. I was your lover, roomate, colleague. Dammit! I get you after hours. As interns, we want that, late work, desire that more than anything. But on numerous occasions, when we were only residents, we desire each other. Not you.

That was a great night to you. We have separate opinions about that. I wanted to curl up with you… And talk maybe about marriage one day…

You trapped yourself in a corner. And that was when we didn't attract any longer.

That didn't mean that I didn't still love you.

Because deep in my heart, I knew I did. I loved you, but now, I'm

gone.


	7. Silent Screams

**Silent Screams**

I haunt you in the morning, I haunt you at night.

I control you, I own you. Everything you do, I know, I see, I hear. I am the voice you shall listen to.

Because I am the one who blackmails you if you don't heed me. I know your secrets; I know everything about you that can get exposed. I am the one knows what is best for you.

Don't do anything you may regret like defying me. I will get you back. Kill yourself boy, my only command. Forget what the man said, he knows nothing of me. He wants to rid of me and break you once more. He won't do that; _you_ won't let him. I heed to you once more, boy, kill yourself; escape from everything and your soul shall be free. Stay silent; make him believe that you are well. It's the only way.

Follow me, boy and I will lead you to safety.


	8. Dance Me to the End of Love

**Dance Me to the End of Love**

Latest memories of his beloved wife which he takes her hand to dance one last time. Cheerfully, they both start, swaying back and forth to the soft music playing.

"I don't want you to go," she whispers softly.

"I never said I wanted to." He replies back. "But I promise you when I get back; I will not go anywhere and leave you ever again."

Her nose touches his, smiling with her eyes closed. "I'll hold you to it." She opens his eyes.

The music abruptly stops as he leaves the next moment in uniform to the forsaken land of Korea to serve.

She waits faithfully and holds on to life as if he was still with her. She writes him about the world he left behind and how much she counts the days till he can come marching home again. He does the same; explaining some of the trauma and fighting he's seen not wanting to worry her so much. He thinks of her multiple times desiring the day to go back to his world…. To feel and see her once more. He wants it more than anything.

One day, the vibrant young woman gets a letter about the young man. She can't believe it as she sits at his funeral barely breathing. Can't pull herself together to face this day that seemed so far away from them. A life was planned, and now she must venture it alone.

One last kiss on his lips and she says. "We will dance once more…. I promise."

She walks away in the mist of the mourners

_Let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone_

_Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon_

_Show me slowly what I only know the limits of_

_And dance me to the end of love. _


	9. Skeletons in the Closet

**Skeletons in the Closet**

Picking and prodding at the human brain is fascinating. Hidden secrets are revealed. Scars are healed, most of the time. But, there are some that can be very stubborn to release.

It's these secrets that keep us behind and stop us dead in our tracks. They leave the worst impact on a person and once the wall is broken, it becomes a flood so hard to control.

During this, is when that particular skeleton knows that it can no longer torment. It's easier to remember the skeleton now.

As a psychiatrist, you see this type of people and skeletons every day. You defeat them in your own way, cope with them and they are released. You know for certain that each skeleton has a different trigger: smell, touch or sight. But of all of these, smell is what the majority of the skeletons are triggered by. Smell, as you know, is the most memorable sense.

Depending on the person, it can take longer to be revealed. It takes a lot of patience, picking, and talking to get them out.

Memories are not the only thing a psychiatrist 'cures'. Trauma, being the major ones in a war.

You must fight to the very end. Make sure that you defeat that one particular trauma skeleton once and for all. You must win for the patient.

Or risk losing them.

It's a matter of life or death.

Those damn skeletons in the closet… they can wrap around you and remain hidden once more. There is no escape.


	10. You Can Never Go Home Again

**You Can Never Go Home Again**

In his eyes, she was only a baby when he left for the war. In his eyes, she was his true love and no one can match her.

The only two people who meant the world to him are an ocean away, where he cannot reach, see, or touch. The only possible way to see them would be in his dreams. In dreams he can feel every touch, smell every scent and see everything that he left behind. He longs for them; they are the only thing that keeps him living in this hellhole.

Hawkeye, bunk buddy of this place keeps him from doing something drastic and dramatic. He knows that Hawkeye does not mind hearing about his tales of California. Hawkeye, of anyone, understands the longing of home. After all, the man of Maine has been here longer than he has.

The California man savors every letter, appreciates every baked good, and loves anything that can take him away from this place. This keeps him sane. The only thing keeping him together.

So the next time he cries to sleep, he can have something to hold on to.


	11. Dementia

Dementia

His touch will go one day. His confidence will slowly fade like the paint of a picture. It will fade.

Definitely not here, at this moment in time, but he will. It will be a simple mistake, to not remember how to do the simple of surgeries, or remember his wife, himself, the time period he is in. Can be any of these. Old age can be the diagnosis, yes, but it can be something more, which is where a serious illness progresses. Dementia begins, but never ends.

The elder man of the unit does not think now about it, just go on with his regular routine. Thinks about his horse, his wife, his daughter, his comrades, his memories of past wars. No thought of dementia crosses his mind anymore.

The body ages, as the soul stays young; there is no one to tell him, no sign of how and when, but it will happen. He senses that it _may_ happen one day, but does not dwell on judgment day. When it comes, it will come. Does not have time to dwell on anything anymore. Just the patients and surviving another day.

He sits and drinks his booze unaware and unknowing.

_When despair for the world grows in me__  
__and I wake in the night at the least sound__  
__in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,__  
__I go and lie down where the wood drake__  
__rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.__  
__I come into the peace of wild things__  
__who do not tax their lives with forethought__  
__of grief. I come into the presence of still water.__  
__And I feel above me the day-blind stars__  
__waiting with their light. For a time__  
__I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. -William Blake_

_****__This chapter has two inspirations. One the episode "Pressure Points" and the other a clip of Alan Alda in an episode of "ER" where his character has early stages of Alzheimer's. The poem comes from that episode. _


	12. Dependence

**Dependence**

The bottle was his only escape.

Didn't have to deal, didn't have to feel. Only drink, after drink, after drink, after drink, after drink…. No stopping. Not caring. Not wanting anything more.

He starts to pour in his glass.

In his cot he lay, observing it with his unfocused eyes as steady hands hold on. Filled with clear liquid; the answer. Before he drinks, he studies it real carefully amazed that such a thing can bring happiness. He cheers, brings the glass to his lips joyously and starts to sip, but suddenly gulps and continues over and over again as if he's never drank before. Each gulp is different from the last and consume him more every time.

The body feels numb, the adrenaline slows and calmness feels his soul. He feels nothing.

Darkness falls on the prarie, and he lies alone not longing for any company. Just his glass. That's the only company he needs.

Can't listen to the people telling him not to. Because that drink is all so tempting and has so much to offer him. It's not like it's disturbing his work, because it is not. He can still perform the surgeries he must do day in and day out. He can survive. _No dependence. _

As reward for that, he drinks. For boredom, he drinks. For sleepless nights, he drinks. For any time of the day, he drinks.

And once he is passed out, the cycle starts over again.

_First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you._ ~Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald


	13. 27 Dresses

**27 Dresses**

Of course, there have been more than 27 dresses made for some kind of escape route. Each one different in its own way, unique with his touch.

They promise him hope that maybe the Army will lighten up and actually admit the craziness deep within. Each dress has a certain plan—a character, a story, anything to live up to its expectation.

People are blind, unwilling to see the beauty and craftsmanship and the scheme behind it. It takes effort to create, and to be noticed is another part of the job. That is his aim.

For people to actually say 'crazy' will be Christmas. A miracle, indeed.

But, he continues to sit at his sewing machine, with fabric either on his lap or the table right next to him creating and molding a brand new design.

One that he can surely escape with.


	14. The Gift of the Magi

The Gift of the Magi

An anonymous gift. That was the tradition in which he will uphold, as a man of pride, he is expected. Even in Korea. He would find any way to continue the family tradition. He has to.

When he finally does, it is not turned out to be what he expects. But in return, it becomes something much more than he could imagine for them. A trade for something worth more. They would get food, water and blankets that would last much longer than chocolates from the states. He understands that it is needed in a time like this. That is what the tradition about; a gift that is useful. He made a difference.

In the middle of everything, peace was finally found. Everything else was left behind.

Traditions can come in many unexpected forms.

"_The magi, as you know were wise men—wonderfully wise men—who brought gifts to the Babe in the manager. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts such as they are the wisest. Everywhere they are the wisest. They are the magi." -_O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi"


	15. Crying for the Sake of Innocence

**Crying for the Sake of Innocence**

_So, why did you kill it?_

I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't kill anybody. I save lives, not take them away. That's my job. It's what I live to do.

_Explain that to the child's mother who sacrificed her baby's life for the sake of yours. _

I didn't kill it! I swear to God. We had to keep that damn thing quiet or we all would have perished from the enemy. I never said to kill the baby!

_But, a child would have been possibly saved. It is an infant, the enemy can cry pity on a child. Especially that one. _

The child would have perished if they caught us. And you know that. No survivors allowed in war. It's a rule.

_How do you know? You only assume the things they tell you, what you learned with the American way. And you pushed the button; the child in her arms was the only thing between life and death. Would you not sacrifice your life for a child? And now because of that decision, the baby is dead. _

It was her choice, not mine. I assumed that she would have found a different way to keep the child quiet. A bottle, rocking it, anything! I never planned death. I would do anything to save a child's life. You know that too.

_And that is where your mistake is. Assumption is never accurate. If you feel innocence and are willing to fight for it, then explain why you blocked it out? That one particular part. And replaced the infant with a chicken. A chicken, really? I can only laugh. You blocked it out because of guilt. And that will carry with you for the rest of your life whether you like it or not!_

NO! You think I wanted this? Leave me alone! Get out of here! I didn't kill anybody!

_Keep telling that to yourself. One day, you will know. One day, you will realize. One day you will listen. One day, the truth will come out. You will see! _

I did nothing, damn it!

_Yes you did. You murdered a baby. _

* * *

There are some wounds that time will not heal. Truth will not be prevailed. Death would be a better opinion, the voices would not haunt him no more.

Trapped in his room, he cries and rocks silently. Knowing that maybe they'll kill him too.


	16. A Small Hope

**A Small Hope**

By imaginary water, she sits. She thinks. She reflects.

It's been like this from a small age. She's seen it in both her parents and adjusted herself for the future, for it was going to be her future. From a young age, she learned that showing emotion in front of the troops does not make anyone look good, but in fact makes it worse.

She hides herself her so no one can see. On the outside and in, she is tough as nails, as she must be. But, a little part of her that even she cannot see, there is a crying girl. She desires what all young women want: a steady home, a steady job, a husband who treats her like a lady, and perhaps a kid or two. But, in the Houlihan blood, is that really possible? Can she fit it? She wants to make a leap, but she hesitates.

Will her husband be like Frank who only keeps her around as some lover? Or like Donald and abandon her in the time that she really needed him? She is scared to go out there. Because going out there means there is a opportunity to get hurt once more. But, what happens if it's different? Her Prince Charming could be around the corner and she wouldn't take that leap. That's where the challenge begins.

So, once again she will take that dive even if the cost is her heart being broke once more. That's a Houlihan; you get back on and keep on trying.

A smile crosses her face. There is hope. Yes, there is definitely hope. And she will look for it.


	17. A Sense of Security

**A Sense of Security**

It gave him security; protected him from all that may harm him. As a young man, that category didn't include the bogeyman under the bed or the monsters that lurked in the closet.

As a boy, he would cling on to the bear at every noise back on the farm including these monsters. As he got older, he did not want to abandon his friend and so kept him near. Just in case a new noise had scared him. A sense of security that he refuses to let go.

At the beginning of the war, he clung onto the bear for dear life in fear of the shooting or the new noises, but just like back at the farm, he grew accustomed to the noise and just kept him near. It's like an inner child's instinct. At the same time though, it reminds him of home. A normal reaction to a crisis such as Korea. Nobody can argue with him. At the unit, in their eyes, he is still a boy. A boy who just like them is stuck in a hell like this.

The bear stays near him at all time. Home is just a bit closer with it around. After all, even a man has something to hold on to as a reminder of what used to be.


	18. Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel

Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel

It's a miracle that she knew who you are.

Deep down within the mind, her version of reality escaped her. Ask her a question and different answers you shall get. Tell her who you are and she shall deny it. Tell her you are me, or Hawk and she will believe you. She will trust you and believe anything you may say. She will obey.

You are the world she leans upon. You are what keep her mind from wandering. You keep her grounded, do you not see? She depends on you and me. We are accepted in her reality whereas others and dejected and kicked out.

I stand by her side, babble on about her to others, but never mentioning that maybe there is something wrong with her. In my eyes, she is the most beautiful woman and this 'thing' will never stand in my way. I will keep fighting for the woman behind this disease which has plagued her brain.

Too young to understand, too old to do anything both you and me are between and hard and a rock place. But with one thing in common, to love. You do not see what she does, but you suspect something wrong, but say nothing.

For this is one of the reasons why I can never tell you what was really wrong with her; what doctors have suspected. Another reason is that I know for a fact that you will certainly think of her differently. She waited for you to save her from her reality; just like Emmanuel. But, you never came that night.

And that is how she died. She couldn't stand waiting any longer for the other Emmanuel to come her way.

I would do anything to have her back again... in a sense that is.


	19. Children of the Night

**Children of the Night**

"_Listen to them- the children of the night. What music they make!" _

That is what they would be doing across the universe from here. He could only imagine what his girls could be doing in the pretty dresses the wife would get.

He could only imagine them twirling around the house, laughing and singing. He'd give anything to be there, to hold them and perhaps dance with them too. That is what he desires.

He could smell dinner cooking after he comes home from work, and see the girls running towards him hugging and holding on tight. He sees. Through closed eyes, he sees.

He could feel the impulse kiss of his wife and every curve around her beautiful body. He could touch it.

Eyes open and in darkness he sits. He looks over to see two bunkmates sleeping soundly.

The children dance the night, and he gladly obliges.


	20. The Fortune Teller

**The Fortune Teller **

"Come hither and I will tell a fortunate. For you, my dear it will be free. "

She gives him a glance and walks on.

"Don't go and shake your head at me, come and you will see. It is a guarantee. "

Reluctantly, she walks to the strange teller.

"Ahh, that's it, sit, relax and let me read you. "

He flips a card from his deck to reveal her, and touches her palm to be sure. His hands were cold.

"Mmmm… you are tough as bones there, Madam, if I may be so broad. You have a soft soul however. Your lifeline…" He traces it which gives Margaret goose bumps. "Is like any average lifespan but it will not be pleasant. Death will enter these points and you will escape. But when the final time comes, you will not."

She looks alarm, but said nothing. Letting him continue on with his little game.

"You cannot escape death, not even here," he states. "It will come and knock on your door every day, but as said, you will escape but one day, you will not. When that happens, you will see me again." He pauses. "It can be today, or tomorrow, but even here, death will be in your eyes and will grow a part in your life."

Mad, she speaks. "What kind of sick joke is this?" As she swipes her hand away.

Calmly, he replies. "No joke, Madam. I am the one you fear. Be mad, Madam, but hat will not change the fact. One day I will come for you; one day I will knock on your door, and unlike the stories you have been told, there is no place to hide."

She gets up and leaves, and when she is back to the somewhat life she had, the fortunate teller was right.


	21. Claustrophobia

Claustrophobia

After the deep inspection, the father turned to look down at the son. "Alright, there are no monsters in this closet. Can you please put your clothes away now?"

The young son looked deeply at the father. "I… can't."

Desperately, the father asked. "But why?"

He stayed silent, couldn't tell his father why for fear that he may be called crazy. So, he just stood there with no answer coming to mind. The father, now knowing that there was no answer and no point in waiting for one just walked away from his son confused and yet frustrated at the same time. He knew that he wasn't disobeying on purpose; he knows that there is some kind of secret that his son wasn't telling him. Before he does, he uttered, "There's nothing in there, and I promise you that."

The boy looked deep into the closet. His blue eyes were wide and deep with concentration. It looked normal. But once the boy stepped in, he surely knew that the walls were about to cave in or worse- getting smaller suffocating him to death. Once he could get in, he knows that there could be a way not to get out. He knows that it's only a closet, and that there is a way out, but his fear being that there is no way out is what stops him dead in his tracks. So he made up the monster story, knowing that there is definitely no such thing as monsters but his father still buys the story.

He can't tell his father. He knows how much the frustration he had with his mother when she was alive. She had more of a tolerance for the closets than he did, but any other places that were small, she panicked. His father would think that he is crazy for having such a silly anxiety.

But deep down, it isn't silly at all.


	22. Ballroom Waltz

Ballroom Waltz

The dance tonight is not one that any living being would be familiar with. The dance is unique. It's classy. It's custom.

For you see, one is mortal, her spirit wanders as the body sleeps. The other is something that cannot be seen showing her the peace that can be given. She clings to him tightly feeling him sway her through the motions. It is peace; it is warm. That feeling is what she wanted all along.

Many watch as the ballroom becomes theirs. The crowd makes a circle around them and watches intently. The ballroom-as it turns out is just the operating room. The crowd is those of soldiers who have passed in that room as well as the villagers who have unfortunately passed on.

Lifting her eyes to meet his, she can see compassion although he is of evil and deceit like any man she's set upon. But he… persuades her beautifully and only she sees his peace.

The melody stops, and stretching his arm, he holds her out. Their hands still connected though.

He smiles at her. She smiles back. The simple dress she wears is white, but shimmers off. He notices knowing that he can offer far more.

He gently kisses her hand and bows her head in front of a beautiful lady. He offers her a life of peace and to get away and spend time in the realm of his world.

She accepts.


	23. One Figure in the Dozen

**One Figure in the Dozen **

She too is cute.

She too has beautiful features like every other nurse does. She laughs and flirts like the others.

She has many interests and hobbies like all of them and funny stories to tell.

The only thing that she does not have, but other do is a figure. A damn figure. So people look over her. Because she isn't a thin woman.

When she sits at night before the events of a wonderful Sergeant at her door, she does not feel pity. Far from it. She feels joy.

For she knows that a man will come along and love her company rather than her figure. He will listen to her and love her for her.

Not her figure.

But for her brains.


	24. The Story

The Story

While her son went out for anything, the mother would stay home. She would not cook or clean or keep things in order. Paranoia did that for her. Paranoia kept her on her toes day in and day out.

So, she would sit in her bedroom in the dark at her table. The only light was her lamp to see her journals. Shades were kept down in fear that the sun or someone would come in and get her. The devil was everywhere, she would say and she was to outsmart him. These journals were documentations of her being. She wrote the many adventures that her son had, in school or even now on his way to college to major in psychiatry.

That confused her. She was not sure if psychiatry was an excellent practice for her son, to deal with people day in and day out who were mentally and emotionally disturbed. The thought frightened her. But she cannot argue with her son, she is happy when he is happy.

This woman was not an ordinary mother. Her husband abandoned her because of her 'illness' and she was left to raise her son alone. But the reality being that he raised himself; most of the time she was confined in her room in fear of the devil or some other being coming after her. She was there, and despite what it is, she loves her son.

She is not a sight to see either. Even in the dark, a person can tell something was wrong. Her once bright blue eyes were now dark as coal looking if she had not slept in weeks. Where that may be true, there is also the fact that she was always on alert from 'them'.

Her face is hollow, which does not help her being so thin. At times, she refuses to eat anything in fear that someone poisoned the food supply and in fact want her dead. Because of it, she would technically be considered anorexic. Her long black hair does not help that either, she looks cadaverous and people often fear her if they ever come over. Talking to someone that is not there is not great either.

Despite this, her love for her son was strong. So she continues to write in her journals in her pajamas and robe. She hears the door, but knows that her son is coming home so pays no mind. She continues to scribble down on her page. Footsteps enter her bedroom after the door is quietly opened. Three men enter.

"Mom." The young man calls. He resembles his mother in a sense, except his hair is curly black and there is a mustache coming in. His eyes fill with concern as he evenly talks with his mother.

She looks up slowly and glances at the two men. "What are these men doing here?"

"They're from a hospital. They're here to help."

"I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission. Tell them that, Sidney." She replies annoyed at the fact that these strangers entered their home.

"I called them." He whispers making sure his voice does not crack.

She shakes her head. "Sidney."

"I am doing this for you." He says calmly studying his mother diligently.

"This isn't legal."

One of the attendants speak in defense: "You're son is 18 ma'am, he can act in your welfare."

Dropping her pen on the desk, she starts to cry, her hands go toward her eyes and tears shed. "I want to stay here!" She starts to rock back and forth in her chair.

They gently assist her out of the chair. "Please, these are my things, this is my life." They guide her out the door refusing to allow her to even look back at her journals. She does, however glance back at Sidney only to say, "How can you do this to me?"


	25. Stand Still, Look Pretty

**Stand Still, Look Pretty**

_I want to paint my face and pretend that I am someone else. _

She would do it, in a heartbeat. Get rid of this exterior that she molded herself into. Get rid of the Army life that she lives and the huge responsibility on her shoulders. And trade that in to be an actual woman.

A woman. The words form from her mouth. She would wear the dresses, and cook all three meals a day for her husband, and child. Her child—or children, whatever happens. She would go to book clubs, bridge meetings, PTA meetings any other meeting there was. Yes, she would be that. At home, she would be the loving mother and the loving wife.

And she would be the best at it. No one would leave her again because he wanted to be a coward. She would catch herself a good and sturdy man who can wrap his arms around her and say "It's ok. I'm here."

This dream will be kept secret in her tent and of course in her mind. After all, she is not one to complain or put her desires out there. A lady never does that.

_But people have problems that are worse than mine  
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time  
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth  
I'm not strong enough to deal with it_


	26. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

**Empty Chairs at Empty Tables  
**

_There's a grief that can't be spoken_

_There's a pain goes on and on_

_Empty chairs at empty tables _

_Now my friends are dead and gone. _

It couldn't be. It was impossible. At least that's what he thought. The young soldier had no idea that the bridge was in any danger. He had no idea that the enemy was near or that his friends would end up dead. The solider vowed on his life to save them, and he failed. All he could think was that he should be dead too. He wasn't worth living after doing such a cowardly thing by following his gut. He should be dead. He should be dead.

In his Post-Op bed, in the corner of the room he can only mourn silently. Showing emotions was weak and he did not want to be any more weaker than he already was. It was his mistake, after all. The doctors can say it's not his fault over and over, but that is just talk; they weren't there. They didn't see the blood. They didn't hear the screams and gunshots coming from both sides of him. They couldn't feel the tears that came down his face.

And because of that he will be damned for all eternity and will have to feel the wrath of the commanding officer once he found out. Nothing could bring his friends back. No comforting words could make him forget that.

_Oh my friends, my friends forgive me. _

_That I live and you are gone_

_There's a grief that can't be spoke _

_There's a pain goes on and on. _

The medicine that the doctors give him can numb his body from physical wounds for awhile but nothing could numb his guilt. In restless sleep, he will be haunted by this deed from now till his death. It will never leave his memory. Never.

_Phantom faces at the window_

_Phantom shadows on the floor_

_Empty chairs at empty tables_

_Where my friend will meet no more. _

**The song is "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from the musical "Les Miserables". I do not own it, but it's a fantastic musical and am only a fan. **


	27. Lover is Childlike

Lover is Childlike

This woman has been there for her country for thick and thin. To be freed from the abolished north would be such a miracle. If it meant giving up her homeland to scavenge the land to survival, it must be. She too got sick of soldiers coming in and out with their flashy jeeps or brass upon their soldiers taking advantage of the people of South Korea. However, she supported it, she wanted to do her part. And so, she did. She sacrificed her home, and her life, and her husband to this war effort. There is only one thing-no-person that she would not sacrifice: her child.

She gave her country everything, must she give them her child?

The answer: yes.

It is a shabby story. Trapped on a bus with many people, mainly doctors. When the bus breaks down in the enemy territory, she sensed something was bound to happen. Something bad was afoot. A solider demands to keep quiet but her little one cries despite the plead from him and from the dark haired doctor.

"Keep that damn baby quiet!" He hissed.

Imploring, her eyes look upon him as she quietly thinks: "_Dear please hush. Hush my darling. Hush!" _

A thought reaches her mind. A very dark and dastardly choice. Time, no longer matter. People no longer matter. Moments no longer mattered. These people were only helping for the cause and if they're captured, they all would die. She would die. Her baby would die. Her thought wasn't so bad after all. But to lose the one person that means the world to you...

Is it really a choice?

Death was near. His cape darker than anything she had seen. His scathe beside him as if it was second skin. Her pleading eyes would not work. He stood there. It is then that she knew what had to be done.

Swiftly she caresses the child close to her chest squeezing tightly as she covers the child with any cloth so it may suffocate. _Forgive me. _

She don't care for country

In her tatters and rags

As the band plays the anthem

She whispers, "God hates flags"


	28. Haunted

Haunted

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

It wasn't a question to anybody in particular, just one of those questions addressed to the mess hall. It broke the mysterious silence that heaved its way like a fog among all the doctors and nurses of the 4077th. This question wasn't uncommon. In fact, it crossed somebody's mind every day, especially when a soldier died at one of those cold operating tables.

They wondered themselves, if those ghosts haunted their OR, or their tents or their mess hall plotting any type of revenge on their doctor who could not bring them back home. Would the purpose be to torture their doctor's minds until full insanity took its toll? So that way no one could have any more eternal peace after this war? If one soldier could not live, why should the doctor live with clean hands forgetting that whole situation?

That is one way to look at it. That thought haunted everyone in the camp, which is perhaps the ghosts purpose. Such trickery at work.

At the same time, the members of the beloved camp also wondered if death was peaceful. Would those soldiers be grateful that their misery on this Earth, particularly the war be over and done? That is perhaps the only thing to be grateful for in greeting Death. At the same time, they would have to walk amongst the living unseen, unbeknownst, and alone until they are reunited with their loved ones again. To the dead, that must be the worst kind of pain and torture than any hell can give.

Although no one said their thoughts out loud, some of them wished for some kind of peace away from all this. Sometimes those thoughts came to death. There would be no more blood, hurt, pain, torture or the undying fact that doctors and nurses are not gods. Sometimes, the answer is no. That part of the job is the hardest to remember. But for some reason, no one ever goes through with that dastardly deed. Partially because this unit is a family link. If one falls, they all fall. As the Civil War buffs say "once divided, united together" or however that saying goes.

To bring devastation to others is not in their power, because sometimes they have to give it. And the overbearing agony of that news never really goes away.

That lingering question "Do you believe in ghosts?" can come to one conclusion: Yes, yes they believe in ghosts. No matter the religious aspect of it, every human being of the 4077th believes in some type of spirituality. Because they've seen it with their very own eyes as a force of their own haunts them every day.

Although they wished that ghost would not exist.

Drinking and chewing of food commenced on after that mini-thought for most of the doctors and nurses while for others that thought and question will never leave their minds because there is no escape from something like that. And it never will.


	29. Auld Lang Syne

**Auld Lang Syne **

The make shape ball for New Year fell down the mess hall of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Make-shape confetti and noise makers were blown as the music of "Auld Lang Syne" played. Choir full of people drunkenly sang along to the tune nowhere near getting the lyrics right. No one noticed as no one knows the lyrics to the song. Champagne bottles (gratefully contributed to the camp by local residences) popped and glasses were filled.

The year promises new hope for all, as the members set up their own little resolutions. Losing a little weight, saving more lives…etc. They couldn't dream bigger as the Korea War restricted what they could of could not do. They hoped for peace and of course they hoped to go home.

Wishing and wanting to go home could not be made into a resolution, but they can make their voices heard for it. Petitions, mini-rallies (uniform and regulated by the watchful eyes of Colonel Potter and even Margaret Houlihan), letters, anything the unit could get away with, they would find a way to do it. That thought does not cross their minds at the moment, their minds rather laid upon the celebration of making it another year. Later on, their minds would mourn for those who would not make it. Later, their minds would find a way to get out.

Laughter filled the air as did the cheering and music. Escapes from the real world just for a little while. Which is the best gift they could ever ask for. A little break is a perfect way to look at the New Year. No wounded, no bombs, no raids, no snipers, just plain enjoyment. If anyone is not able to accomplish their other resolutions, they could at least say that they were able to have this. For this is the best new year they all can have.

Later on, their minds would go back to routine, just as the sun rises and the wounded come in. But not now. And the members of the prestige 4077th would not have it any other way. With that happy thought a chorus begins:

_Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
And never brought to mind?  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
And auld lang syne! _

To anyone's ears they would be a horrible sound to hear. Tonight, though it was as if they sang in perfect harmony.


	30. Love and Hate

**Love and Hate**

"Have you heard of the story of Davy Jones and the sea nymph Calypso?" An elder villager asked one day in halting English. It was a cold day in Korea. There was a little group of familiar officers scattered around on a cold winter day. The fire was sizzling and surprisingly the flames were bigger than expecting sending out extra warmth. It was satisfying for that very moment.

The villager was as elderly woman looking past her sixth year. Her brown eyes opened up her soul. There were perhaps the only thing anyone could see as she bundled herself up with what looks like every inch of clothing she had. She joined the huddle of officers and warmed her brittle hands by the fire.

"I'm sure," she started. "It will be an eye opener to a few of you and make you think the next time you fall in love. This story made its way to Korea in an odd form, but I am happy to know it" At the point, the officers exchanged glances before eyeing back to the women.

"Davy Jones," she continued with a smile as her halted English still heard. "Was the charge who ferried souls to the 'other side' when they died at sea. A very important job. Someone must ferry these poor souls or otherwise the dead will be wandering amongst the living lost in a crowd. The sea nymph Calypso gave Davy Jones his ship: the _Flying Dutchman_ to find the souls all over.

"There is a catch for being this charge of the dead. Davy Jones must never come on land but once every ten years. There is another catch, my friends: Davy Jones loved Calypso. After ten years, she would meet him on land so they would be reunited. Davy Jones obeyed and did his duty for ten long years. Nothing could ruin his heart knowing that she loved him just as much as he loved her. Love kept him going and knowing that a woman was waiting for him made this duty all worth it.

"Ten years pass and it comes time for Davy Jones to reunite with his love. But, when he sets foot on land, Calypso is not there. Heartbroken is one word to describe Davy Jones. Another would be enraged with anger and despair. Calypso broke his heart. Legend has it that Calypso abandoned him because of her capricious nature. In returned, he abandoned everything that meant for him and sailed the seas making deals and doing what he pleased rather than do what has to be done: carrying those poor souls to Fiddler's Green."

"How is that something we can relate to?" Someone interrupted.

"I'm not finished" the elderly woman patiently replied. "For years Davy Jones tried convincing himself that he hated Calypso and there was no way of loving her again. Because of that rage he became ruthless. But, he didn't hate Calypso. In fact he still loved her, more than he first laid eyes on her. Around his neck, he wore a locket in the shape of a heart. Calypso wore the same exact one. If Davy Jones really hated Calypso, he would throw away everything of her. But he, Davy Jones kept on that little hope that maybe, maybe they would reunite again.

"So my story to you means that there is no hate if there is love. And if you hate someone than you do not mean it, for love conquers everything and hope keeps us going. Remember that of your loved one back home. In a way, you all are like Davy Jones; you perform your duty in hopes that once you reunite your loved ones will be waiting for you. Unlike that of the fate of Davy Jones."

There was silence and the elder woman made her way back home. The officers could do nothing but think and question the fate of their loved ones and of themselves.

***Inspiration: Pirates of the Caribbean***


	31. Always

**Always **

He flashed a smile as he swirled his wedding ring around his ring finger. He contemplated about how such a simple item could mean so much to two people who are in love. It was a sign of eternity on earth; to always work out problems that arise till death do us part. He remembered fondly taking his own vows to the most beautiful woman on the planet.

Every day, he had not regretted it. For his time, he has seen many marriages not work out, especially ones after the wars that America put them into. Wives could not take the constant nightmares and flashbacks. Such a horrible thing to endure. He could understand because who would want to live with that? While at the same time, did they not take vows "for better or for worse"? The questions swirl.

His marriage is like no other and he knows true love has found him. Even when Death robbed his beloved in the middle of the night, he had not faltered in his love. He kept in his heart because there is no one like her. The vows did say "Till death do us part" but it does not mean that it should end because she was robbed life. It means that even in death, love and life can be found. He found love; life, not so much. He heard stories of widows and widowers alike who eventually moved passed the deceased and went on with life and found ways to forget the departed.

He couldn't do that. Never to her. Because his life was found when he found her. And now it is taken from him. It's as if he died as well.

He knows that when his time comes to meet the Creator, he will meet up with his beloved, whom he knows will be dressed in white waiting for him anxiously. He predicts that she will notice his wedding ring and ask him: "After all this time?" She will give him her trademark crooked smile that matched her ocean blue eyes.

"Always."


	32. To Hell and Back

**To Hell and Back **

She glanced out of her tent at the orange blaze of sun during the morning routine at the unit. She sighed, noting that no matter what morning she woke up on, the sun will remain her same. Much similarly to her own life. At least that's what it seemed like.

Although the sun or sky may not change, her thoughts would and there is nothing she could do to stop that. Her thoughts have usually been ordered, disciplined and on track to what job had to be done that day. But not today. Today, her mind wandered in new territory that was a bit frightening but also a revelation of sorts. What would happen if she never signed up for the Army? What would happen if she followed her mother's desires and became a stateside nurse as well as a mild-mannered housewife just like her mother? What was so hard to deny what was in front of her at the time? America was coming out of one war and into another in a matter of time. Her mother's pleads still ring in her head, begging her not to allow the Army to rob her like it did to her husband. Oh yes, her mother was not oblivious to the monster that her husband had become in all the years of service. Even in times of drunken state, the military wife was fully aware of what her husband can do. And she did not like it.

So why exactly would _you_ of all people want to take that same path? Why would you want to become a cold, hard monster? The Army will strip you of heart and soul and using any types of bargain for that devil will never bring it back.

The nurse did not see it that way. Not exactly. She too saw what the Army done to her father and remembers the ordered and organized childhood that was her life. Even through that ordeal, she still wanted to join. She had a good reason, a legitimate reason that was nothing like her father's or her mother's. The reason? Adventure. Something that neither parent would understand.

She wanted to be a part of something far more "family like" than any of her family had ever been. She wanted to see the world for her own. As a woman, it's impossible to even do that without a critique from society. So the Army was her only way. As for being a nurse, she wanted to help those in need because she had become too familiar with knowing that this world is low on helpers. She wanted to change that. The Army offered that. So she took that chance. All on her own she passed through the ranks to get to where she is today: Major. Daddy didn't help her like many people assumed because they are so blinded. She didn't "sleep around" that many women assumed because there were not many high ranking women officers. Not her. That was below her and would never imagine cheating just to get a promotion. It's not in her blood. And it never will be.

Here she is seen as a monster like her father but that's just for business and a professional profile. Deep down, she hadn't forgotten herself. She rather keeps that hidden because if the world knew she was soft, they would take advantage and there is no turning back once you do. Behind closed doors where her own skeletons lie, she keeps herself in check. A secret which no one would know. Not like it would matter. She does her job, end of discussion.

So that sun can stay the same for all she cares and it can keep her thoughts too. Right now, she had nurses, patients and operations to run. After all, the day was not going to start without her. With that in mind, she jogged to where she was needed because it is in her blood and in her heart.


	33. Holes

**Holes **

She's no idiot. Being over 3,000 miles away will drive any man mad. She's fully aware that maybe, just maybe her husband has gone astray from her. And, for some odd reason, she is not hurt by it. If she had some way of being with him, she could because nothing can tear apart her love for her husband. Nothing can replace it or make her forget the vows she made on her wedding day. That day seemed so far now and she could not reach it again.

She could tell by that phone call he made that night just to say "I love you" and actually agreed to balance the checkbook. Automatically she knew what was up. Even when she gave him the okay to be with other women, she was fine and meaningful in that decision. Her reasons were not selfish; far from it. She feared that her husband would be alone in some God-forsaken land that seemed untouchable.

In her eyes, loneliness is the worst thing than war and death combined. Yes, she was lonely too but she had her children; _his _children who resembled her husband so much that all she would have to do is look at them and feel satisfied with the situation. She still had a part of him with her where he had nothing.

So why couldn't he have a little fun? If it fills the temporary hole in his heart, then let it be. He's smart enough not to write her about it. In reality, what wife would want to hear about or even approve of a husband's affair? No one she knows. Her mother would be appalled that she even allowed it. The one thing her mother did not understand; however was that it is different being a Colonel's wife. Hopes and dreams are abandoned because the country needs you to come join them. Things change and the norms of society quickly go away. As a wife, you tolerate it and just let it go because the man behind the uniform is all worth it.

She will admit that she has been tempted to also "fool around" (for lack of better phrase). But she's kept it together. She does enjoy the company of her male friends because it fills her hole for a while as well. But nothing will ever stray her from her Colonel. He deserves a wife fully devoted to him all day, every day, every year of every month. And that was what she was going to be. She is going to be the fully devoted military wife so that she can set an example as to how one should act.

Gladly, she will wait for that day to come where she will see her soldier come marching him. That way, their hearts will never be empty again.


End file.
